Day 19: Release
The Grind-ies are the gravelly, down and dirty, mentally painful, zero-to-something thinking, learning, and producing that it takes to create something of your own. The Grind-ies Challenge is a 30 day pursuit to enter the Grind-ies mindset on a regular basis and document the experience.
Something traumatic happened to me when I was 7 and some emotions got trapped.
I didn't fully grow emotionally and socially; there was always part of a 7-year-old stuck inside me.
I think I chose a mountainous path when I was younger because I knew on some faculty it would heal me.
It worked. I often feel I'm on the other side of most of it; then I have a morning like today where I sit and free-write for a while. The only purpose being to release what's loose.
During today's unstructured session, I felt a hand reach in, massage the trauma, and move that lodged ball of energy through the stream of my life.
Something connected; although it was weak, it was balance. New light shined on the darkness of the post-trauma years—a time I had blacked out.
I could sense it coming. I've been enjoying the sunset on my runs and the Lupe Fiasco songs on my cruises more than usual. Instead of an eye-rolling thing I know I should enjoy, my mind has been interpreting the softer moments as something pleasant.
I sipped coffee while I mulled this over. The cup became empty and I realized I didn't want another one.
Something told my brain I was full of ground beans and hot water.
That's when it hit me: healing is about rebuilding your mental processor. The part of your brain that internalizes and feels what's happening in the moment so it can be filed in your brain and associated with the proper emotion.
Abused people lose the ability to regulate themselves (per this therapist I knew) and I think it's because they lose that processor.
Healing is getting it back.
Lots of people write to mend the broken pieces. I think it has something to do with handling and making sense of what they've been through. And I think people who've been violated need to put something on paper to tell themselves those are their words and no one can take them away.
I support people writing to heal. It definitely helped me.
There was an era where I just wrote to see the sentences I produced dance across the screen. No one could take them away. I needed that.
Time in the Grind-ies: 2 hours, 50 minutes
Projects: Sending out proposals, work-for-hire gig
How I felt afterward: Excited for the future.